Tickets this way for the Chatsworth Express!
Come and watch pikeys making a mess of the lives
they were given by him upstairs
and kids they're convinced aren't actually theirs.
What sounds on earth could ever replace
kids needing money or wives in your face?
Cos this, people reckon, and me included,
is why pubs and drugs were kindly invented
to calm us all down and stop us going mental.
These are Chatsworth Estate's basic essentials.
We are worth every penny for grinding your axes.
You shit on our heads, but you pay the taxes.
Imagine a Britain without Chatsworth buccaneers
who'd come on your face for the price of a beer.
Make poverty history, cheaper drugs now!
FRANK LAUGHS
Scatter.
Party!
(Micky) You know what they say - a change is as good as a rest.
Well, who's "they"?
Never really been into all that philosophy bollocks, if I'm honest.
Mam says it's cos I'm the type what calls a spade a spade,
but what the fuck else are you gonna call it?
Sometimes you just wake up and want to do something different.
And you've got to go with it,
cos if you ignore it, you get fucking nowhere.
I've got something to tell ya.
- Sounds ominous. - I don't want you to judge me
or disown me.
Somebody's been watching too much Jeremy Kyle(!)
I'm serious!
I just need to get it out in the open.
Saves any sneaking about or bullshit.
- College?! - Study? You?
- I knew this would happen. - And what about the business?
It's only part-time.
Studying what, exactly?
Film.
- And who's going to pay for that? - I will.
A qualification, like?
Obviously.
To think we fought all our lives to bring you up right, son,
for you to just go throw it all back in our faces by turning to education!
(Jamie) Karen!
Karen!
Where's me shin pads?
Karen?
- I'm busy. - Well, have you seen them?
- Have you looked? - Yeah, I can't find them anywhere.
- Since when did I become your mam? - Oh, forget it!
You've not even looked properly. Here's me working me tits off to sort this party
- and all you can think about is footy. - You're paying people to help you.
JAMIE SCOFFS It'll be fine.
It won't be fine! You can't just keep burying your head in the sand.
What do you want me to do?
Make more effort. That'd be a start.
(Frank) Debbie, Debbie!
Please!
Please, come on! Just a fiver!
- Hey, last time, promise. - It's always, "Last time, promise."
Come on, I'm doing me bit for the credit crunch.
You still owe me a tenner from Tuesday.
Hey, how does it go? "The only man who sticks closer to you in adversity
"other than a friend is a creditor."
- Don't talk shit. - Yeah, but you're me daughter.
You're far closer than any friend of mine.
You haven't got any friends, Dad.
Is that clown harassing you?
Nothing I can't handle.
MICKY SPITS
(Micky) It was me mate what made me come.
He's gone away.
It's made me realise you've got to grab stuff while you can.
You know, go for it.
And when you watch a film, well, that takes you away, doesn't it?
So I thought, "I'll try this."
You know, learn something new. Which is ace, innit?
Thanks, Micky.
Good to know it's not just cos you think Will Smith's dead fit, eh, Clare?
- What do you think? - Stunning(!)
I missed footy practice for this!
Hey, Karen!
How about a stripper for the party? We could charge 'em more.
Not bad...for you.
Nice move.
Aaah!
- You all right, lad? - What have you done?
- Ah, me arm! - (Jamie) Shit.
Jesus!
CARL PANTS
- That's a bairn! - Get rid of it.
(Both) What?!
It's not mine!
- We should call the police. - No way!
They'll shut us down. Get rid of it. You get that seen to.
And you...take over!
DOOR OPENS
- Homework? - It's part of me assignment.
An assignment? Very clever.
I just want something for myself!
Why do you always have to take the piss?
- I'm not, son. - No, you've got Dad!
Jamie's got The Jockey. Shane's got Kelly.
Mandy's got Katie. What have I got?
A few pairs of shit-flickers and a pink car.
Tell you the truth, I've thought about studying for years.
I'd love to do something like this.
What have you got to do, then?
Well, they do it in Hollywood.
You've got to put the whole film into one sentence
and see if it sounds like a goer.
What, like, "Mad-fuck mummy's boy gets giddy with a knife"?
HE LAUGHS
Carl Gallagher?
They pay you fuck all for this. Why do you do it?
Always wanted to help people.
It's my vocation.
- Your what? - Like a calling.
Some jobs you just have to do.
It's a very attractive personality trait, Carl, having a vocation.
I'm just like that.
Help anyone, me.
Really?
Runs in the family. My brother's abroad at the moment. Works for Save The Children.
DANCE MUSIC
We're always looking for volunteers here, you know.
(Micky) "My mouth slipped off her hardened nipple
"and I kissed and licked my way down her tight body.
"Her skin tasted like sweet vanilla and I wanted to devour her.
"As I went to my knees,
"my fingers slipped inside as she whimpered with pure pleasure. "
- How are you getting on? - I can't do it!
"Classic animation is not just for children,
"and is an equally legitimate dramatic tool as film. Discuss."
See?
I'll tell you what this needs -
a sharp, analytical mind. I'll do it for you, son.
He just needs a bit of encouragement every now and then.
He can be a bit stubborn.
Go on, mate. Your move.
Stubborn? My Walter?
You wouldn't know the meaning of the word, would you, love?
18 or 80, you're all the same.
- Carl's move. - Sorry.
What are you apologising to me for? Fast as a leopard, this old-timer.
I keep telling him, if I were ten years older and he were ten younger,
we'd probably be together. We just clicked, didn't we, babes?
- Bollocks. - Serious.
Fucking wadded.
I could just tell you a lie or I could just be honest.
- Are you with me? - Not really, Miss.
You shouldn't have got my story in with your assignment.
That was yours?
Yeah. I wrote it.
I do it on the side, just...
-..short stories with a twist, really. - Not bad.
It's just a hobby, and they pay me.
Aw, nice one. You know, getting paid for a hobby.
It's not quite as simple as that.
They're just words. It can't be that hard.
Have a go yourself, then, if you're so sure.
MICKY CHUCKLES SOFTLY
What, now?
I'm waiting.
All right.
How about,
"His thrusts pumped harder as his seed boiled in his balls,
"ready to spill out into her velvet chasm"?
Bloody hell, that's great, Micky.
Hey, do you reckon they'd pay me an' all?
Maybe we should go back to mine,
- grab a coffee? - Yeah.
Not much difference between his world and ours.
MIMI SNIFFLES His mother was a single parent,
his father was permanently AWOL...
Poor little bastard had fuck all stability.
- Makes you think, doesn't it? - Yes, love.
We've done all right by our kids, haven't we?
Of course we have, love.
Even if I did get shot, I mean, at least you'd still be here.
Not like that fucker, out gallivanting, flashing his horns.
You know, he had exactly the same shit on his plate as us, did that Bambi.
I'm just, er...
popping out for a pint, love.
OK.
DOOR OPENS
- Hiya. - Hiya, love.
Good day at school, Ches?
Depends what you class as good.
I said the wrong thing again.
Come on, was it really that long ago since you were his age?
No.
You could make more of an effort, at least try and bond.
Like I haven't been doing?!
I'm sick of this. All I want is a bit of harmony.
You're both male.
You must have something in common.
Jamie!
DANCE MUSIC We've hardly got anything to say any more.
- Wait till they start with the baby oil. - He's getting right on me nerves.
I never quite got that - rubbing up a complete stranger.
Some of these women haven't had a shag in ten years.
So?
So they pay me a fiver for a ticket to see a bit of cock.
There's no crime in wanting to break the routine.
Seven-year itch? Already?
It just all seems a bit...flat.
Karen? I've found an article.
The previous landlord was shacked up here
with some bird that topped herself.
Erm...Gloria someone. Guess why?
Why, Norma?
She never got over the death of her baby.
Everyone has bad patches. It will pass, you know?
I keep hoping it will, and things will just perk right back up.
You two are solid. You'll just ride it.
Who says I want to, though?
She'll calm down.
It's best if I just keep out of her way for a bit, Dad.
You know what women are like.
- I do, son. - What are you doing here?
Giving the missus a wide berth.
- (Paddy) He's having a breather. - Trouble?
Yeah, sort of.
- Morning, Hitchcock(!) - She finally kicked you out, then?
- You're not getting a divorce, are ya? - Am I fuck! No, it's nothing.
It's just... Well, you know how it is when everything you do is wrong.
Where's your spine? You sound like a right poof.
He's right...for once. Pussyfooting won't get you anywhere.
Take the upper hand. Act like a man for a change.
Show them who's boss. They love that. You're a Maguire.
Balls of steel. Like your father. Coco Pops, sweetheart?
Lose the sock, Pablo.
(Mandy) It's not Pablo, really, is it?
No. Alan.
And you're not from Rio de Janeiro?
Wigan, actually.
Sorry.
See ya.
THEY SNIGGER
No-one wants to see that.
- It was your idea in the first place. - I meant a bird.
Typical.
The women round here are gonna love that, aren't they, girls?
We're supposed to be bringing people in,
- not driving them away! - Like I don't know that
- after all the work I've done! - You're not the only one grafting.
- You have painted a wall, Jamie! - Nothing's enough, is it?
CARL RETCHES
SHE LAUGHS
Thanks. Shit's not one of my strong points.
SHE LAUGHS
- You're supposed to be on the ward. - The poor lad just needs easing in.
I think he can look after himself, can't you, Carl?
- Yeah. - Shift it.
- All those wasted years at charm school! - Listen, lady,
if those beds aren't done by one, it's me who gets it in the neck
and I won't be taking the rap for some two-bit auxiliary.
- Don't talk to her like that! - Excuse me?
- Leave it, Carl. - No! What right has she got?
I must admit, Carl, I thought you were a man of more seasoned taste.
You know what? Fuck off! You can stick your shit job.
You'd have to be mental to do this for nowt.
Carl! Thanks for sticking up for me.
I should have just got on with the job.
I was well in there.
Have you talked to her? JAMIE LAUGHS SOFTLY
So she can tell me again how shit I am?
I can't do right for doing wrong, Dad. It's relentless.
I just want to scream at him all the time.
You're good mates, you two, underneath.
That's got to count for summat.
Nah. Wrong time of the month, that's all it'll be.
You do love him, don't you?
Not as much as I can hate him.
I feel like I could kill him,
like actually pick up a knife and slash his throat.
That bad?
(Paddy) Have you checked the tides?
- You're talking shit, Dad. - On my life, son.
Leave the bog seat up in our house of a full moon
and your mother turns into a screaming banshee.
But it's romantic, what you did.
The novelty soon wears off.
He couldn't give a shit any more...
about me...or this place.
I don't get it.
It's marriage, son, you're not supposed to.
I think I'm losing him, Kelly.
What do you think?
Where did you get this?
Perks of the job, that's all.
It's for you.
Wouldn't be my first choice.
STAN SIGHS
STAN MUMBLES TO HIMSELF
Years I made Shane wear that patch to sort out his squint.
That's all she was doing for Dumbo.
How's it her fault he's got big fuck-off ears?
Mole, sweetheart.
And when she sticks up for him, he gets even more shit
cos they've branded his mam a nutter!
How do you ever get over that sort of thing?
Imagine it!
- All rise, it's Spielberg(!) - All right?
PAPER RUSTLES B.
B?! I got a B!
Did you hear that, Paddy?
KNOCKING
Fuck me, you look nice.
Good job I do, cos you're taking me out.
- Hiya. - Hi.
It's the least you can do, since I saved you from the clutches of that silly boot.
This is Maxine.
- (Monica) Oh, hiya. - (Maxine) Is she yours?
- Yeah. - Won't be a sec.
Can I have this one, Mon?
You look amazing for a bird that's just sprogged.
Oh, thanks!
- Norma, what are you doing? - Nowt.
Get your coat, you've pulled.
My Auntie Julie's into all this. She sells door-to-door.
You should see the boot of the car - boxes full of creams.
What creams?
Anti-wrinkle, anti-blackhead, anti-cellulite...
Auntie Julie's got a cream for it.
- Anti-cellulite? - Amazing. Honest.
See? So where you off?
Just to The Jockey. Got a bit of a do on.
Dressed like that?
-They've done it up. About bloody time. - Love a good do, me.
We'll all go, shall we? What's that smell?
(Debbie) It's not me, it's Carl!
(Carl) What smell?
DANCE MUSIC
CHEERING, APPLAUSE
All right?
- Hiya, mate. - Hiya.
- This is Joe, the new footy captain. - Hi!
- Hi. Mandy. - All right?
CHEERING
If I wanted meat and two veg with me pint, I'd drink at the Berni Inn.
- He's got a point. - He's just doing his job.
What's wrong with a lap dancer? That's entertainment.
MEN CHEER (Men) Off! Off! Off! Off...
- Time's up! - (Men) Off, off...
Bloody hell! Is it always this lively?
You call this lively? THEY SHOUT
We're losing customers, Karen.
Sling it, you muppet.
Fuck it. Fuck it. Turn it off.
MUSIC STOPS (Man) Get off!
- See? - So it's gone a bit wrong.
- It's a total disaster, Karen. - We're busy, aren't we?
You should've listened.
One piddly suggestion, Jamie!
It's took a lot more than that to pull this lot off.
It's not my fault nobody wants to see it.
Well, some of them do.
(Women) # How d'you like it? #
Them lot are gagging for it.
I just wanted everyone to have a good night.
Well, I'm having a good night.
Look, most of them are that desperate, they'd pay to watch anything strip.
I'm sorry about that, everyone.
If you can just be patient with me, I'll have some more entertainment
sorted in a minute.
MUSIC STARTS
(Carl) That's more like it!
THEY CHEER AND SHOUT
SPEECH DROWNED BY MUSIC
(Men) Off, off, off... CHEERING
Moral support.
She's smart, that one.
CHEERING AND WHISTLING
- Go on, girl! - Can't let the side down...
Whoa, neddy.
Dad, I'm not ten! I'm not your little girl any more!
Surplus to requirements, Lillian.
Yeah!
What good am I for her these days?
She'll come round.
I was the same at her age - like an uncontrollable tiger.
I'm no different now, if I'm honest.
ROOM FALLS SILENT Hello, boys!
CROWS CAW
MAXINE LAUGHS, CARL MOUTHS
- Debbie? - Oh, sorry, I've got a date.
- Who?! - So have you.
Subtle(!)
My kind of bird.
Back to mine?
What for?
- Coffee? -"Coffee"?!
MAXINE MOANS
MAXINE PANTS (Carl) Ow!
- Sorry. Are you all right? - Shh! Keep going.
(Maxine) Oh, oh!
She's built like a brick shithouse
and she's grabbing hold of them like this, and she's got big hands,
like fella's hands, all big and veiny, and she's shouting at me.
- I'd have told her to sling it. - (Debbie) Did you get 'em back?
Hiya, babes! Toast?
NEWS ON RADIO
JAMIE YAWNS
Jamie!
Stop following me.
We're bound to bump into each other.
Sitting in your car watching me isn't us bumping into each other.
- But this is! - Just stay away.
You should be with me enjoying yourself, not bringing her up.
I'm not bringing her up.
You're old before your time, Debs.
At least when you were with me we had fun, didn't we?
Don't kid yourself, granddad!
THEY SHOUT
(Sgt Rogers) Hey, break it up...now!
Now!
What are you with fighting girls for, huh?
- He was helping me. They jumped me. - She jumped us!
They've got my mp3 player.
- She nearly scratched me eyes out. - What's going on, Meena?
That's right, take their side. You're all the same.
It's not about sides. You're committing a public order offence,
not to mention assault. Now clear off, you two.
- See? That's it. Let the white girls go. - That's enough.
- Schoolies, too. Just your type. - Why are you so angry, eh?
I've seen what it's like for you. You don't go short, you spoilt little bastard.
It's got nothing to do with colour! We just expect this bollocks from you.
Come on. We'll sort it out down the station, yeah?
"She was desperate to get hold of it once more.
"It wasn't the longest she'd seen, but the fact that she couldn't get
"her hand round it told a story."
SHE LAUGHS
"They couldn't wait a minute longer.
"She reached for his belt as he tore off her shirt."
- I bet she isn't wearing a bra, is she? - No.
Dirty bitch.
"She looked up at his chest, all glistening with sweat,
"his hard abs and full pecs
"rolling up and down with his deep, manly breathing."
You're making us wait, aren't you?
- Yeah. - Criminal.
"As she ground him down, faster and harder,
"he bit on her erect nipple as the blood rushed excitedly into his dick..."
- Cock! - Cock!
- Does he fuck her then? - Yeah.
- How? - Up the arse?
I meant "from behind".
I absolutely love it doggy.
I think I'd prefer it if these two were face to face.
DOOR OPENS
Hi, darl'.
Grow up! It's just me tits. I kept them drinking, didn't I?
- It's not just that. - What is it?
Everything.
All this.
It's a constant battle.
- It doesn't last long, does it? - What?
- The honeymoon. - (Norma) Karen...
What, Norma?
I Googled that Harris bloke. He did 15 years for murder!
So?
He probably did away with both of them.
If I can find out where he is, he might be able to tell us about Gloria's baby.
- Gloria's fucking baby? - Calm down.
I just want closure, Karen.
Have you heard yourself?! Who the fuck is Gloria?
I told you to dump the fucking baby,
so why haven't you dumped the fucking baby?
I just...want closure.
KAREN SLAMS SOMETHING ON BAR
Look, er... you two should have a night out.
Out of this place? Doubt it.
Well, I can cover for you. One night wouldn't hurt.
JAMIE SNIFFS Told you.
Look...I could stay over, if you like. You could have a late one.
- Would ya? - Course.
We should do something.
You can put one of them in the loos, if you want.
You all right, Karen? Pay day.
Hey, top night.
- Eyes up, pal. - Jamie!
DOOR OPENS
Oh, here he comes, PC Patronising.
Listen, kids...
It's his fault we're here in the first place.
That's not fair.
Where did you get the mp3 player? Lost property box?
- You're all snides. - Give it a rest for a minute, Chesney!
- I've had a word with the sarge. - So?
- I'm taking you home. - So you can grass to Mum?
- Why would I do that? - Cos you're a copper.
And make things even tougher for myself?
This is brilliant.
Cheers, mate.
Good enough to submit, isn't it?
- Definitely. - Where to?
Online. There's a few different sites, depending on what you're good at.
What like?
Couples. Swingers. Animals.
Gay.
Want to stick around for a beer?
I am genuinely sorry you think I've been ignoring you.
But don't think of me badly, please.
We need each other, cos things are gonna be better from now on...
for both of us.
I mean, we can join forces, kid.
You know, you and me versus the world.
Hey, our special pact!
- (Carl) Debbie? - Yeah?
- What do you think you're playing at? - What?
- Arranging to go out with my bird. - It's just a drink.
I were gonna take her out tonight.
- Oh, you're not jealous, are you? - Am I fuck.
DEBBIE LAUGHS
Promise me you'll always be there for me.
FRANK BURPS
One thing it has done, Paddy, is make me look at life
from an animal's perspective.
Fuck Badger Watch! That's just boring.
WATER SPLASHES (Mimi) It's weird how it sucks you in.
They make you really feel for the character, don't they?
Just a splash of colour and a squeaky voice and that's it, you're there.
I could go on forever about this, Patrick. For infinity.
You see, now I know how it must have felt for Buzz Lightyear!
- Mimi, would you do me a favour... - Yeah.
..and shut the fuck up?
He likes us.
- He's bright. - He's cute.
TOILET FLUSHES
Your very own prodigy.
Imagine...
Reckon he's game?
Know he is.
Micky, mate.
Ever heard of a fuck buddy?
MUSIC FROM TV Is anyone home?
(Stan) Yeah, got it, got it!
What's going on in there, then?
It's just a stew.
STAN LAUGHS
- (Meena) Come on, Chesney. - Good day at school, Ches?
Yeah, great.
Brilliant.
BELL RINGS IN GAME Oh!
- Didn't think you had it in you. - Piece of piss.
MUSIC: 9PM (Till I Come) by ATB
Right. One, two, three, go!
Prowling grease monkeys at 3 o'clock.
Eugh! He's old enough to be my dad.
He just took his wedding ring off!
Oh, the slimeball.
- No harm in getting a drink out of it. - Aw!
KELLY LAUGHS
SHE MOUTHS
KAREN SNORTS
Read him the riot act, didn't I?
He'll forgive a flash of tit if it means that we're back on track.
And are you?
- What? - Back on track.
Sort of.
Do you always do that?
- What? - Pout.
No. THEY LAUGH
Do you know what?
What?
I think...you're dead fit.
Fuck off!
WOMEN ARGUE
- She's been following me round. - That's not good.
Nightmare. She's round every corner.
I think I was clingy with my first big split.
Something a bit pathetic about all that, though...
Don't you think?
I thought you were really good today.
MAXINE MOUTHS
Leg it!
Drive! Quick! Go, go, go!
She's got me fucking wallet!
- Slags! - Oh, fuck it!
DEBBIE AND MAXINE LAUGH
Freak!
All right! It should've been a woman.
Ha! Can someone tape this?
- Here you are. Say it again. - It doesn't matter now.
- It's history. - Yeah. It were a top night in the end.
- Does that mean I get an apology? - This I will have to film!
I am the first to apologise when I've done something wrong.
JAMIE LAUGHS Did you get that?
- Leave it, Shane. -"Leave it, Jamie," don't you mean?
Mandy?
Listen, I'm gonna take her home.
(All) Ooooh!
No! Just take her home.
THEY LAUGH
I'm off to bed.
What, so early?
- I'm knackered. You coming? - In a bit.
KELLY CACKLES
- Tequila? - Yeah!
KELLY LAUGHS DRUNKENLY
Shh!
Shh! In here!
CLATTERING (Norma) What the...?!
Norma?
Poor little mite will be in limbo forever if I don't do something.
What?
Dead. All alone.
My God! Stop being so fucking morbid! What's the matter?
A little baby.
Someone's baby.
- It's not a baby. It's a fucking cat! - No!
Straight up, Norma. Look, the ribcage is flat on both sides.
The limbs are the wrong proportion. It's a fuckin' moggy is that.
KELLY LAUGHS He's amazing, isn't he?
- (Kelly) Shane! - Shh!
THEY SNIGGER
- Sorry, I can't. - Yeah, you can.
- I'm married. - Yeah. To a moron.
- What? - Sorry, but...
Get the fuck out of me pub!
- What? - Now!
SHE LAUGHS SOFTLY
I don't think I'll be coming to class any more.
- Oh, no. Why not? - It's not really my thing.
I think you found your "thing" tonight, though, don't you?
Well, we're all good at something.
It just takes some of us a little longer to suss out what it is.
Exactly.
You could give my place to someone what really needs it.
Yeah, I could, really.
- Beer? - Yeah, go on, then.
One for the road. You twisted me arm.
Sorry for being a cow.
I'm sorry, too.
Nothing happened.
- Good job. - I'm a gent, you know.
Be a right shame if we had and I couldn't even remember.
Brew?
- What? - Good night?
Yeah.
What are you playing at, Carl?
Did you cop?
Listen, Carl, we're mates, aren't we?
"Mates"? With a bird? What about...?
So we shagged? You were great.
But you're not me fella, so don't go all moody-bollocks
just cos I got off me tits and had a laugh without you, because you can't.
We might as well be mates, though, if we like each other, don't you think?
Suppose so.
There might be the odd night...
if you're lonely...and I'm lonely.
You made me squeal.
I'd be a fool not to.
When you put it like that...
Right.
Any chance of a shag, then?
KAREN SQUEALS, LAUGHS
(Micky) Maybe, after all, I am into all that bullshit.
Just another way of looking at things. Things happen for a reason.
The best things come to those who wait.
Sounds so fake, though...doesn't it?
" 'Check out the girth on that...' SLAPPING
"..she said as he put the big black stallion back in its stable.
"She tossed back her glorious mane of hair and opened the top two buttons.
" 'I'm hot, baby,' she said,
"as he caught a glimpse of the top of her huge tits..."
(Micky) I'll tell you what my philosophy is. You're born. Then you die.
In between, you might as well do whatever it takes
to get as much of a buzz as you can.
Dead simple.
..So if you look at all three...
Whoo!
MIMI SNORTS
Fuck!
That's fucking brilliant. HE EXHALES LOUDLY
Get on, Micky. Your turn.
HE SNORTS LIKE A HORSE
SLAPPING Yeah!